What we know, what we do and who we are...

“Remember those in prison, as if you were there yourself. Remember those being mistreated, as if you felt their pain in your own bodies.
“Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, I will never fail you. I will never abandon you. So we can say with confidence, The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” Hebrews 13:3 -5


Wow…. What a way to start a Friday… news of a shocking terror in Fort Hood, people watching while I viewed healthy young men with college sweatshirts tell disabled elderly to find tables elsewhere while the tables the college men were seated at had a huge handicapped sign marked clearly on the table made me think…

What is this life we live? I won’t kid and claim life has no barrier on what people should and shouldn’t do I am sure there are those fine lines somewhere and the majority of people today accept and follow those rules while others laugh and walk over them. When does life make acceptance for ignorance or the shifting of blame on to others. When did it become okay for society to blast one child and praise another? I found it so difficult to move on from my previous marriage, I admit I was hateful, spiteful, I held on to so much anger because I knew I could control the situation by being mad, I could make excuses for the ex not to be around because I was so angry. In reality I was hurt and I knew I had done wrong and above and beyond I knew I didn’t have it in me to apologize. I didn’t have it in me to say flat out “I’m sorry” on the other hand I was upset that now I was 20 and raising a beautiful young lady on my own. I was scared. So I held that anger, I focused on it, drew strength from it and built a life focused on raising my daughter in spite of being a single mother. I sought help only when needed but relied on my anger to feed me.

1Timothy 1:12-14 “ I thank Christ Jesus our Lord who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him, even though I used to blaspheme the name of Christ. In my insolence, I persecuted his people. But God had mercy on me because I did it ignorance and unbelief. Oh how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus.”

I was ignorant, stubborn and did everything I knew from my old Catholic raising I shouldn’t be doing. The only thing I never got involved with was illegal drugs, and alcohol. All else I admit I probably did, and why? I still ask myself today that very question why did I find it so necessary to destroy my life, to destroy others, to live such a life of destruction, bad mouthing everyone every second I could get and blaming my life on others, my mistakes on everyone but myself. I didn’t have a faith, I didn’t believe that my life was worth anything, it was one morning I was bored walking around the mall in Riverside. Stopped in the second level Barnes and Noble looking at books for my daughter. When picked up the prettiest journal you would ever see. Dark emerald green leather with amazing gold filigree writing inscribed it read Jeremiah 29:11 a verse today that speaks to me every morning. “ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Call it my wake up call… call it a revelation what ever you decide it happened. My eyes realized I was on a road of disaster, of miserable fates and even losing my own life. Relying on anti-depressants daily, sleeping medications for insomnia, you name it my doctors told me it would “fix me” nothing ever did and even though I knew of God I never knew of him I never knew him personally. I knew of nothing except misery, nothing except blame, nothing except hate, nothing except anger. Until I saw the scroll work, read the tiny words… my eyes teared up. I knew for so long that God had a reason for me what it was I still wasn’t sure and even today I am not sure is it the old man that I offer a smile to or the elderly lady I open the door for at the mall? Is it that teenager that I wave on while they walk home, could it be that I am here for one of them? For my husband who I love dearly and cherish every moment of every day, for my daughter who I find so hilarious and yet even more brilliant than I could ever be. Who knows… God does… when he is ready I shall too. For all those reading this who ask why, who ache for those that hurt them to understand, for a loved one to reconnect positively… Allow me just a moment more to say this… you are loved, you are cherished, you are God’s passion. Matthew 4:23 Only God can forgive our sins, focus on his passion and his love not those of others as some may falter and weaken through the years, 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 we as God’s children must realize that God Loves ME, God Loves YOU. He is always looking out for our eternal beneift and he will always be far wiser than we are. Focus on glorifying God and spend less time worrying over the past and what we have done. If you are anything like me you have a lot of skeletons in your closet. Some people will expose to hurt you some you will expose but what ever it is be that better person. Be that offer to move from one table to another for a disabled person, open that door for someone coming out of a building, say hello to the person in the parking lot. Live your life to glorify god and everything else settles in. Maybe not the ideal way we would like to think it should but in God’s way and in God’s design and in God’s time.